


The Aftermath

by orphan_account



Category: Thor (Movies)
Genre: Cheating, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-02-22
Updated: 2013-02-22
Packaged: 2017-12-03 05:35:54
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 855
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/694740
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Sequel to The Necklace (blame Ric's reply, found here: http://under-base.tumblr.com/post/34812284039/your-gorgeously-sad-crying-thor-art-completely-broke-my )</p><p>Thor has gone and Loki reflects.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Aftermath

He still doesn't know why he did it.

It's a puzzle he can't figure out, and that it is his own fault only makes the frustration that much harder to bear. His actions were nonsensical; he had no reasons for his infidelity. The sex had never been great, the men never nearly as attractive as Thor, and he never even remembered their names or faces. But he let them all touch him anyway.

Loki feels like a stranger to himself, and maybe he is.

He remembers how Thor used to tease him about being deliberately enigmatic. Loki wasn't ever doing it on purpose, of course, it was just how he was. He knew Thor knew that, and he knew Thor loved that - loved him in spite of and for being a mystery that couldn't be solved. Loki loved that Thor loved that.

Loki loved a lot of things about Thor. He still does. That is something he doesn't even try to lie about; he could never even hope to convince himself otherwise. He has always loved Thor, but that only makes his own actions even more confounding. It is enough to keep him up most nights. He just wants to know why he did it - and then why he did it again and again afterwards. And maybe he wants an overly affectionate blonde to sleep next to too, but that is a desire to be avoided.

Maybe his infidelity comes from being too fond of sex. But no - if that was true, he would just have gone to Thor. Thor never turned him down, afer all. And it wasn't like their sex ever got boring.

Thor didn't displease him at all, really. Their arguements were hardly few and far between, but they were easily forgiven. And it was nice to come back to someone so refreshingly eager and open. Loki had never had anything quite like that before, and it is something he misses.

A psychiatrist might say his actions stemmed from a fear of intamacy or commitment. But while intamacy had been a dangerous thing at the beginning, they had already overcome that. And commitment was never an issue. Thor had never tried to label their relationship, and that suited Loki just fine. Besides, he never felt uncomfortable or unhappy with Thor.

In fact, there were no triggers - nothing new in his life - that could explain it all either. Just one normal day, he went out and slept with someone who wasn't Thor. He regretted it almost immediately, but then he went out and repeated it until he was finally caught. And he still continued even after Thor forgave him once. He wasn't surprised when Thor didn't forgive him twice.

It could be that Thor deserved better, and he knew that Thor deserved better. Because Thor had done nothing to warrant falling in love with someone like Loki - someone hurtful and broken and viscious like Loki. And Loki had certainly never earned the right to that love. So he forced Thor away with multiple affairs before Thor realized Loki's worthlessness, or before Loki hurt him irreparably. That is the most likely solution, but Loki can't be certain. He has betrayed himself and others too much to be anything near certain as he stared up at a familiar ceiling.

He is still in _their_ apartment. He still sleeps in the same bed and sits on the same couch and eats at the same little table in the kitchen. Sometimes, its almost like nothing ever changed. Sometimes, he forgets that there will be no laughing blonde bursting through the front door and joining him for dinner. Sometimes, he cooks extra food and set out an extra plate just in case he's wrong.

He still see Thor sometimes too. They both like the same overpriced coffee shop, and Thor's job is still just a block over. Of course, Thor never sees him. Loki is very good at hiding in plain sight.

And sometimes, Loki wonders if Thor is happy. On the occasions he does see Thor, Loki can't decipher him. That bothers Loki more than almost anything else - almost more than even his own inexplicable actions. He could always read Thor's emotions, even before they were seeing each other at all. The fool wore his feelings on his face, and Loki could practically read his mind with how obvious everything was. Not anymore though.

Maybe Thor finally learned to wear a mask over his emotions. Or maybe Loki was just too out of practice with reading his former lover. Maybe it was both.

Sometimes, Loki thinks about calling Thor - thinks about making things right and asking for forgiveness and regaining what they had once had. He thinks about what he'll say, or how Thor will react. He never makes it to the phone.

Because Thor could still do better, and Loki hadn't changed at all. Loki doubts he ever could change or would change, and he doesn't want Thor to change either. They were never a match at all and never should be.

But Loki wants, and he waits.

He doesn't know what he is waiting for.


End file.
